DePaul University students have created an underground contraceptive delivery network called "the womb service," operating with the stealth and precision of a Cold War intelligence operation to distribute birth control on the Catholic campus.
The covert operation, which sounds like something from a spy thriller crossed with a fertility clinic, involves encrypted communications, designated drop-off points, and brown paper bag exchanges that would make drug dealers jealous of their organizational skills.
"As long as the distribution happens on public property, it doesn't violate DePaul's guidelines," explained student Maya Roman, apparently having studied property law with the dedication of a Supreme Court justice.
The operation receives 15 to 25 orders per week for contraceptives, pregnancy tests, and what the students delicately refer to as "reproductive health supplies." Students can place orders through an online form with the same convenience as ordering pizza, except the delivery involves considerably more skulking around campus perimeters.
DePaul University, apparently unimpressed by the students' entrepreneurial spirit, revoked the group's official status after discovering their affiliation with Planned Parenthood. The students responded by rebranding themselves as "Students United for Reproductive Justice" with the resilience of a Silicon Valley startup pivoting after a failed funding round.
The "womb service" also offers educational seminars called "Pillow Talks," because nothing says comprehensive reproductive education quite like branding that sounds like a late-night radio show from the 1970s.
While administrators struggle to balance Catholic teaching with student demands, the underground contraception network continues operating with the dedication of campus food delivery services. One can only imagine the confusion when someone accidentally orders emergency contraception instead of emergency pizza at 2 AM during finals week.
